Tag Archives: Marriage

Sleeping with the Enemy…

Political enemy, that is.  I’m not really sure how it got started but I ended up in several conversations this week (with Miss Agnes, Miss H, Miss Dubs and Mr. G) about politics in Oklahoma and party affiliation, which led to the question:


I did some polling (sort of) of some of the major players.  Here all the results:

The Unmarrieds

Yes: Miss H, Miss Dubs, Mr. G

No: Me

Abstained: Miss Agnes

The Marrieds (NOTE: I didn’t actually ask them. This is based on who they actually married.)

Yes: Mrs. K2, Miss Preppy

No:  Mrs. V, Mrs. Bookworm, My mom*

* My mom said that when she got married (31 years ago today!) she could have married someone from the other political party, but that things were less polarized in the 70s than they are now.  If she were getting married today, she’d have to say no.

Initially, I was really surprised that I was the only person from my (admittedly loose) poll who said no.  But then after hearing my friends responses, I thought I was MAYBE being too rigid/inflexible/picky/any other adjective describing me as unreasonable.  So what is my reasoning for wanting to marry someone affiliated with the same political party? I’m so glad you asked…

Rock the Vote Bus. Legit.

Here’s the thing, for me, politics are personal.  My responses to the so-called issues relate back to some of my core personal beliefs.  I was raised to be a politically interested person and forced to GOTV (Get Out the Vote! <— anyone remember the MTV Rock the Vote Bus?!) from an early age.  Seriously, every time there was a school bond issue my parents would drag us out of bed at unreasonable hours and post us on prominent street corners with giant signs in our little hands telling people to VOTE YES! This really happened.  (And for the record, as a product of public schooling I still vote yes for all school bond issues.  People did it for me and my education so I’m happy to pay it forward.  Bonus: I don’t actually pay property taxes right now.)  All of that is to say, I struggle to separate the personal and political.

How can I be intimate with someone who disagrees with me about race/gender/sexual orientation equality? Or abortion? Or tax cuts?  Or the interplay of state and federal government and their respective roles?  The way I feel about these things is very real to me.  I will readily admit that I struggle when talking politics with friends from the “other” side.  Struggle as in force myself not to scream and yell and throw things.  That’s what intelligent political discourse is about, right? Not throwing stuff?  So I don’t understand how I could marry someone whose beliefs were fundamentally different from mine.  That’s not to say I couldn’t respect someone with different beliefs (and I feel I show my respect through the aforementioned restraint re launching projectiles), but actually unite myself with them in holy matrimony until the end of time? EEEeeek. That is serious.

And then comes the voice(s) of reason in the form of my comrades, some of whose political leanings are completely opposite mine.  Some of their good points:

Them: How can you rule out an entire political party?  Me:  That is a lot of people in a small state.  Point taken.

Them:  What if you have lots of other things in common and you get along really well?  Me:  Having similar hobbies does not a marriage make.  And will we get a long really well if we disagree about big stuff?

Them:  This is a little bit extreme.  Me: Hi, have we met? Extreme is my middle name.

Them:  How do you really know how you will feel about this situation until you are in it?  Me:  I won’t.  But exploring it has been thought-provoking and makes for good blog-fodder. =)

Ultimately, I don’t think I can ban everyone in the other party from my dating pool.  That’s just a little harsh.  However, when it comes to marrying or even dating someone from the enemy camp, I think I will always be a little leery.  I think it would take one hell of a guy for me to commit to a lifetime of agreeing to disagree on politics.

What say you blogosphere? Do politics matter that much in a relationship?  Does it all depend on the circumstances?  Or am I just being a rigid witch?



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You just don’t get it, do you?

So I spent the last few days out-of-town for the wedding of The Preppies. It went wonderfully! Mrs. Preppy was an absolutely gorgeous bride and Mr. Preppy had a blast showing off his wicked dance moves at the reception. They both looked absolutely elated and I am truly thrilled for them. All in all, everything was great and I had a really good time. But….

Of course, I knew the weekend would have some uncomfortable/awkward/sad moments for me. I was the only unmarried bridesmaid and the only person from our law school group who is single — everyone else is married or coupled. Most of Mr. & Mrs. Preppy’s other friends are married or coupled too. (Seriously, there were like 4 people on the dance floor for the bouquet toss…) I thought that I was mentally and emotionally prepared for this. I am used to being the 3rd, 5th, or 11th wheel. Under most circumstances, it doesn’t bother me. But there were several moments over the course of the weekend that were unbearably uncomfortable — further highlighting my singleness:

1) At the Bridemaids Luncheon, everyone wrote down a piece of advice about marriage for the bride and groom. Since I know next to nothing about marriage, I made something up, but I made light of the situation and it wasn’t that bad. After all, this was the first of many wedding events and the chip on my shoulder was still relatively small.

2) At the rehearsal dinner, the room was arranged in tables of 8. I sat with 3 couples and we used the extra chair for the Matron-of-Honor’s laptop to run the slide show. Not that bad…Still a little sad to sit there as the three couples mentioned things about their own nuptials.

3) When the DJ started playing the real dance music at the wedding, I hit the floor with the other b-maids and it was really fun, until their husbands joined us. Everyone paired off and I was clearly putting on a one-woman show. I tried to casually but quickly dance my way back to our table… and to my drink.

4) After the Preppies cut the cake, the best man and MOH gave their toasts. I was sitting at our table, you know, the one with the 3 couples and me. After each speech, the couples would turn and clink glasses with their spouses. I uncomfortably raised my glass by itself and then asked one of the bmaids, who was facing completely way from me, to turn around and toast me so I didn’t look like a loser. She gave me a you-are-being-so-ridiculous look.

5) Lastly, the bouquet toss. I hit the dance floor with the 3 (that’s right 3) other single ladies and the 2 elementary school aged flower girls…. Going out there so that everyone can see that no one wants me is humiliating enough and to add insult to injury, I didn’t even catch the damn thing. The girl who caught it wanted it though — bad.

Okay, so I’m sure reading these little moments individually, the don’t sound so bad. But add to each moment alcohol, sleep deprivation, disliking your appearance (I had some serious hair issues and an eye infection) and feeling like you have to smile endlessly, and maybe you’ll understand why it made for a long and some what painful weekend. To be completely honest, after the bridesmaid gave me the you-are-so-ridiculous look, I thought about going to the bathroom and crying. How pathetic is that?

Don’t get me wrong, I really did have a great time at the wedding and I am really happy for the Preppies, but I was also sad and jealous and lonely. It’s overwhelming to feel so many contradictory emotions at the same time. And let me tell you, SOME people who are coupled/married just don’t get it, i.e. you-are-so-ridiculous bridesmaid. At one point she said to me (when I was really in the throes of my personal pity party, which for the record only lasted 10 minutes) “Weddings just aren’t your thing, like at all, are they?” WHAT?! Weddings are SO my thing! Feeling left out/lonely isn’t my thing. She really, genuinely did not understand where I was coming from at all. Or she didn’t want to.

So to the coupled/married people out there, please, for the love of god, have some compassion. Try to think back to your single days…Believe me when I tell you, they weren’t quite as glorious as you remember them to be. (I’m sure you’ll be quick to tell me that being married isn’t as amazing as I have imagined it to be either, to which I say, fair enough) Remember what it felt like when all of your friends were dating/married and you weren’t or how silly you felt trying to catch that bouquet/garter or how embarrassing it was to ask a friend to help you find a date for a date party. And after you remember all that, include us. Take some time to turn away from your spouse and talk to the single girl at your table who is trying her darndest to keep her chin up, a smile on her face and the conversation going. She’s busting her ass to look single and fabulous even when she doesn’t feel it so give her a little support.

And to all the coupled/married people out there who are considerate of their single friends, thank you. Thank you for not thinking we’re ridiculous and for having your husbands open doors for us and letting your wives come out to play for girls night out. Thank you for making us feel like it’s okay to be where we are — not like we are pariahs.

After all, single isn’t a lifestyle choice or a disease, it’s just who I am right now.

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The Decade of Weddings

DISCLAIMER TO BRIDES–CURRENT, FORMER AND FUTURE: Please don’t be offended by my musings and for the love of god, do not take them personally. I love you. I loved your wedding. I loved getting to be in your wedding. I loved carefully and meticulously wrapping the gifts I selected from your registries for you — this is something I both agonized over and relished. I promise, I really did. This post is about me and how attending your weddings collectively has made me feel, not about your individual ceremonies at all. Please, I beg you, don’t take this the wrong way…

One of my favorite people, Miss Preppy, is getting married this Saturday — Congrats to the lovely bride and groom-to-be! I have the absolute honor and privilege of being a bridesmaid. Miss Preppy has been one of the most relaxed, easy-going brides I’ve ever met! (Snaps for Miss Preppy) As I thought about what I would be wearing for all the various wedding events and what friends I would get to see, I also thought about the fact that I will be going to yet another wedding alone… Lovely. I also wondered how many weddings I’d been to in my life, or at least in the last five years, so I made a list. Since I turned 20, I have attended/been invited to…..[drum roll please!]…..

30 Weddings!

Of the 30, I actually attended 21 and of those 21, I have been a member of the bridal party in 5. At first 30 seemed like a lot, and then thinking back through them, maybe it wasn’t so many. Then again, 30 weddings in 5 years might as well be a million! But like I said, I didn’t attend them all. The scariest part? My 20s aren’t over and I still have plenty of single friends. There will be no lack of weddings in my future.

For the record, I love weddings. (See my About page) I love the dresses and the vows and the flowers and all the little details that you think no one notices – I notice them. That being said, I feel as though I have devoted a significant portion of the first half of my 20s to other people’s nuptials. I have helped with dress selections and cake tasting and envelope stuffing. I have thrown (and attended) my fair share of showers and bachelorette parties (all with pretty fabulous themes I might add!) My mom always says that I should feel really great about this — she was a never a bridesmaid for anyone and I should feel honored that so many people consider me a good friend. (2 points for Mom) I do feel special and fortunate and blessed to participate in such important parts of my friends’ lives. And I do love to do it all – the planning, the addressing, the gifts — it’s all really fun. But is it all too much?

If went back and added the amount of money I’ve spent on wedding-related items (dresses, travel, gifts, showers, etc.) I would probably have enough to throw my own wedding! Or at least a really rockin’ birthday bash. Honestly, it isn’t about the money though. I think my irksome feelings are really about feeling like I’m too young for this, I’m out of step with the people around me because I’m not getting married and I’m more focused on being married than I should be because of the sheer volume of weddings I’ve attended. (In the summer time, Miss H, Miss PoliSci and I can’t even seen our glorious David Beckham poster on the fridge because every inch of it is covered in wedding and wedding related invitations!)

I’m only 25, right? I have plenty of time to meet someone. I have plenty of time to get married. But it never feels that way when I watch another one of my gorgeous friends walk down the aisle to her perfect mate and I couldn’t even scrounge up a guy friend to play my pretend date for the reception, if I was allowed to bring a plus-one at all. I know my time will come, he’s out there, blah, blah. But I can’t help but wonder as I pack my bridesmaid bag yet again, will it ever be my turn? And perhaps a better question, has all the hoopla (and champagne) clouded my judgment and made me think that I should be on a marriage path right now, even if that isn’t necessarily what’s right for me?

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Part II: More Success = Less Marriage?

I realize that in my previous post I didn’t actually offer any opinions on the barrage of questions I presented so shame on me. My personal thoughts:

1. Some people assume that because I am an attorney I am a highly motivated career-oriented individual. Clearly, these people haven’t actually met me.

2. SOME men are threatened by “successful” or “professional” women. (I’m not suggesting that I am either of these things, but there is a common misperception about my profession. See #1)

3. I think , the more highly educated you are, the more of an intellectual snob you are. I am insanely guilty of this. I’m not saying that I don’t associate with people who spent less time in school than I did — these people are my very smart friends who did not waste thousands of dollars on degrees that aren’t necessarily worth it — I am saying that I am more interested in, for mating purposes ONLY, well-educated, intellectual men. I know, ridiculous. I feel bad actually saying it out loud.

So when you add #1, 2, and 3, where does that leave me? Super single! Partially my fault, partially theirs. So is there a man out there who is smart, well-educated and okay with the fact that I am too? Man, I really hope so.

As for being the breadwinner, obviously that’s not really something I can control. You love who you love and sometimes that means traditional roles are reversed in terms of who is bringing home the bacon. My mom has always been the breadwinner in my family and my dad has always had more flexible working hours, which was a huge benefit to us all growing up. It seems to work for them so who is to say it won’t work for me some day? On the other hand, my sister is fortunate enough to stay home with my awesome nephew and that seems like it would be a pretty amazing experience too. Plus, I’m not the most financially disciplined person so being in charge of the family’s dime scares me to death! Really, this isn’t something I can plan for anyway, so I guess there’s really no point it worrying about it now! I think I need to get back to step one: find a mate! Haha.

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More Success = Less Marriage?

I saw a piece this morning on Good Morning America (legitimate or not, it is my favorite news source) about marriage.  According to GMA, less people are getting married in the United States over all than 30 years ago and 1 in 5 women makes more money than her husband (Woot woot! — not that I think men shouldn’t make money, but I think this stat suggests that we are making some strides on the equal pay for equal work front). One of the women interviewed suggested that African American marriages are down (like 40% down) because more African American women are getting college educations, owning their own businesses, and generally having more success in the professional world so there are less men who for them to date.

You can check out the GMA piece at:


So, of course, this got me thinking about the relationship between professional/financial success and marriage. Men with great jobs and big bank accounts are always winners in my book. (No, I’m not a gold digger. But I appreciate any person who has it together and is on a successful path) But are women who are equally successful at a disadvantage? Did we handicap ourselves on the marriage front because we spent more time in school or we work more than 40 hours a week? Are men threatened by professionally successful women?

The short answer: I have no freakin’ clue. But I have thought about this and discussed it with friends, especially Miss Agnes, who is fantastically bright and works her tail off because she wants to be the best attorney she can be. Miss Agnes and I often ponder how we will find our intellectual/professional equals for mates, especially when we’re trapped behind our desks for far too many hours a week. (Okay, to be fair, she works a lot more than I do.)

I was once at a party with Miss Dubs while I was still in law school. A cute, eligible, hunk of a man (Seriously, I feel like hunk was the best word choice to describe him) struck up a conversation with me and it was going well, until he asked what I did. I said I was in grad school. He of course asked what I was studying. I mumbled, between large swigs of my adult beverage, “law.” Long pause. “So you’re in law school?” I shrugged, “Yeah.” Another pause. His response: “I’m gonna go get a drink.” And that was the end of that. Later, I told Miss Dubs that I was never telling anyone I was in law school again. But seriously, does the fact that I’m an attorney push men away? Do I sound scary or intense? Do they think that I’m too successful? (Clearly, they’re confused if that’s what the impression is!) And is it about all professional/career-driven women? Or do people just think that lawyers are just plain scary in general?

Furthermore, the statistic about 1 in 5 women being breadwinners seems like a step in the right direction for the feminist movement, but (I feel incredibly guilty saying this) maybe I don’t want to be the breadwinner. It seems like a lot of pressure. And I want the option to stay home with my hypothetical children at some point. I feel like if I were the breadwinner, I would have to go back to work. I mean, technically, even if I’m not the breadwinner, I will still very likely have to go back to work. Is it anti-feminist of me to not want to make more money than my hypothetical husband?

I could probably talk about this for days and days… Thoughts? Feelings?


Filed under Career, Love