Category Archives: Self

Getting inside my head…

During my weekly reading (last week) of Postsecret (if you don’t read it, you should), I came across a secret that struck me in an incredibly profound way.

Um, wow. I stared at it for an incredibly long time.  The “secret” completely resonated with me and I found that surprising.  On my fave show, The Biggest Loser, the contestants are often forced (by Jillian, of course) to overcome their conscious and subconscious emotional struggles with food/weight/obesity.  I have always had a hard time identifying how I got to where I am today with my body.  Lots of previous contestants have been through difficult experiences — accidents, loss of close family members, abusive situations, etc. — that seemed to trigger their weight gain or that have held them back from losing weight in the past.

I honestly can’t say that I have been through anything truly difficult (fortunately).  Sure, I’ve had my heart broken and law school was a tortuous experience, but I don’t think that either of these trials were solely responsible for or triggers for my weight gain.  I was always “bigger” than my peers, though looking back, I really just developed earlier than my friends and had a more muscular body type, but I didn’t really start my consistent weight gain until after my junior year of high school.  (It’s all relative now, isn’t it? If I could go back in time, I would have worn a bikini every day from May 2000 through August 2001.)  Some years have been worse in terms of weight gain than others, but I can’t figure out what emotionally points me towards food and what holds me back from my potential in terms of losing weight.

So when I saw the secret and felt so connected to it, I surprised myself.  I wouldn’t normally think that I am afraid of post-weight loss rejection, at least not consciously. However, earlier in the day that I saw the secret, I had been talking to Miss PR, — well, I’d been throwing a pity party about how all my friends are in lurve and I am not, and she was listening — and she pointed out that in a recent discussion we’d had on pretty much the same topic I had said I wasn’t ready to meet anyone because I felt self-conscious about my appearance.  Well played, Miss PR, well played.

There are so many layers to body image and weight loss and self-confidence that it’s hard sometimes to tie everything together and see how it all affects you.  But she’s right —  I have said that I don’t feel good enough about myself to date (or be set up, which is what PR wants to do to me I’m sure…) and at the same time, I feel so ready to have a partner and so jealous of my friends who have found their mates.  So it seems that until I feel better about myself, I won’t be ready to meet someone but I continually fail in my attempts to lose weight and feel better about myself, which leads me to think maybe there is some connection between all of this and the secret — that I am afraid that I will lose the weight and still be alone and that will be just as hard.

But I know that it’s hard for everyone — fit or not, and I think that if I am going to be alone, it would probably be more fun if I can shop anywhere I want to (you know how I feel about plus size clothes).  I’m trying to spend some time on the emotional side of my body issues in an effort to work out the physical/nutritional side.  Bear with me — I’m sure this exploration will lead to many more blog posts about the connections between my emotional and physical well-being.

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Filed under Health, Love, Self

The Dark & Twisty Place*

A couple of weeks ago, I had this dream about being in love.  I was in high school and was completely, head over heels in love with someone I actually dated in high school.  (Yes, the younger brother of Bball PB popped up in my dream.  Totally rando.)  I woke up slightly dazed and emotionally intoxicated from the dream.  (I feel like I should mention that I dream vividly and often and almost always remember my dreams upon waking so they tend to affect me more profoundly than they might affect others.)  It was weird to dream in emotions that felt so real.  And then, when my post-dream glow wore off a bit, the fact that the emotions were figments of my imagination was kind of crushing, in a makes my chest feel heavy kind of way (not heart attack heavy, but heart ache heavy).

I think I’ve been carrying that same heaviness around with me for the last couple of weeks.  I spent the weekend in my so-called “darky and twisty place,” wallowing in self-pity/loathing.  I’m turning 27 in two days.  And I feel stagnant.  Don’t get me wrong, in a lot of ways things are better than they were 2 years ago but at the same time, somethings are still exactly the same.  I feel like everyone around me is moving forward and I am standing completely still.  My friends are going back to school, looking for new jobs, graduating, and growing in their adult romantic relationships.  While I feel like work-wise things are on a nice, steady upward climb, everything else is just sitting.  I’m still overweight.  I still don’t have what I would consider sufficient savings.  And I’m still alone.

These three things have been true for the last 8 years.  Eight years.  That’s pretty pathetic.  Borderline disgusting considering that I have control of 2 of the 3.  I used to consider myself a highly motivated, goal-oriented individual.  But then I think about the fact that I have been struggling with the same issues for eight years and I think maybe I am not who I thought I was.

I also think that my outsides and insides match up less and less all of the time.  I was recently explaining to Miss PR how I feel about dating and my body and she said she never knew I felt the way I do (which to summarize, is crappy).  I think I spend a lot of time concealing how I really feel about myself from the people around me.  I think I didn’t even realized how I felt about myself in a conscious way until fairly recently.  But in the past few months my feelings of self-loathing have crept in and set up shop in my head and my heart. (I really hope you are picturing a Mucinex commercial right now, but instead of mucus living in my nose gray clouds of feelings are nesting in my heart.)  I’ve always been what I like to call “emotionally intense” but usually once I recognize the feelings I can shake them off.  But lately, my capacity to recover seems non-existent.  The things that upset me/make me feel badly outweigh the things that don’t.  I have mastered the art of turning the most innocent of sentences into belittling jabs aimed directly at my ass.  I have been taking everything personally and I usually don’t.

I don’t want to be this girl.  I am not this girl.  But I don’t know how to get rid of her right now.  I only get to be 26 for one more day.  And as much as 27 terrifies me, I want it to be different.  I want the first day I am 27 to be the first day I decide to stop hating myself for how I look, for what I’ve done to my body, for what I haven’t done for my bank account and everything else in between.  Feeling badly about myself seems so high school.  I want to be proud of the woman I am.  (Being ashamed of myself doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere as it stands anyway.)  I’m not entirely sure what the first step to letting go of my self-loathing is, but I hope that doing small things that I am proud of is a step in the right direction.  And listening to less sad/angsty music probably couldn’t hurt….

What do you do to pull yourself out of a funk?  What makes you feel good about yourself?

*Note: I’m really not that dark or twisty.  But sometimes I like to crawl inside myself and wallow.  And listen to Counting Crows.  And read Twilight.  And eat sugar cookies. And cry.

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