A couple of weeks ago, I had this dream about being in love. I was in high school and was completely, head over heels in love with someone I actually dated in high school. (Yes, the younger brother of Bball PB popped up in my dream. Totally rando.) I woke up slightly dazed and emotionally intoxicated from the dream. (I feel like I should mention that I dream vividly and often and almost always remember my dreams upon waking so they tend to affect me more profoundly than they might affect others.) It was weird to dream in emotions that felt so real. And then, when my post-dream glow wore off a bit, the fact that the emotions were figments of my imagination was kind of crushing, in a makes my chest feel heavy kind of way (not heart attack heavy, but heart ache heavy).
I think I’ve been carrying that same heaviness around with me for the last couple of weeks. I spent the weekend in my so-called “darky and twisty place,” wallowing in self-pity/loathing. I’m turning 27 in two days. And I feel stagnant. Don’t get me wrong, in a lot of ways things are better than they were 2 years ago but at the same time, somethings are still exactly the same. I feel like everyone around me is moving forward and I am standing completely still. My friends are going back to school, looking for new jobs, graduating, and growing in their adult romantic relationships. While I feel like work-wise things are on a nice, steady upward climb, everything else is just sitting. I’m still overweight. I still don’t have what I would consider sufficient savings. And I’m still alone.
These three things have been true for the last 8 years. Eight years. That’s pretty pathetic. Borderline disgusting considering that I have control of 2 of the 3. I used to consider myself a highly motivated, goal-oriented individual. But then I think about the fact that I have been struggling with the same issues for eight years and I think maybe I am not who I thought I was.
I also think that my outsides and insides match up less and less all of the time. I was recently explaining to Miss PR how I feel about dating and my body and she said she never knew I felt the way I do (which to summarize, is crappy). I think I spend a lot of time concealing how I really feel about myself from the people around me. I think I didn’t even realized how I felt about myself in a conscious way until fairly recently. But in the past few months my feelings of self-loathing have crept in and set up shop in my head and my heart. (I really hope you are picturing a Mucinex commercial right now, but instead of mucus living in my nose gray clouds of feelings are nesting in my heart.) I’ve always been what I like to call “emotionally intense” but usually once I recognize the feelings I can shake them off. But lately, my capacity to recover seems non-existent. The things that upset me/make me feel badly outweigh the things that don’t. I have mastered the art of turning the most innocent of sentences into belittling jabs aimed directly at my ass. I have been taking everything personally and I usually don’t.
I don’t want to be this girl. I am not this girl. But I don’t know how to get rid of her right now. I only get to be 26 for one more day. And as much as 27 terrifies me, I want it to be different. I want the first day I am 27 to be the first day I decide to stop hating myself for how I look, for what I’ve done to my body, for what I haven’t done for my bank account and everything else in between. Feeling badly about myself seems so high school. I want to be proud of the woman I am. (Being ashamed of myself doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere as it stands anyway.) I’m not entirely sure what the first step to letting go of my self-loathing is, but I hope that doing small things that I am proud of is a step in the right direction. And listening to less sad/angsty music probably couldn’t hurt….
What do you do to pull yourself out of a funk? What makes you feel good about yourself?
*Note: I’m really not that dark or twisty. But sometimes I like to crawl inside myself and wallow. And listen to Counting Crows. And read Twilight. And eat sugar cookies. And cry.