I often attribute my lackluster love life to the fact that I rarely meet anyone I truly like. I know that I am pretty picky and that I am not one to entertain flirtation for the sake of flirtation/attention. I don’t cut guys (or people in general for that matter) very much slack for doing/wearing/saying things that I disagree with or don’t appeal to me. I am easily annoyed at times and a self-proclaimed intellectual snob. Given that glowing description, it’s a wonder I have any friends at all.
While that is all true in a way, I’ve begun to wonder whether “not liking anyone” is more of a defense mechanism I have created to protect myself from rejection than the actual reality of meeting very few people I feel both compatible with and attracted to. Let’s keep it real — I am not at my personal best right now. I know this, and I think it is apparent to most people around me. I’m a smart girl with a nice personality and a pretty face. Oh, and I guess you can say I’m funny sometimes too. Or I like to think I am. Nice personality + pretty face + funny = Well, we all know what it means when someone is described in that fashion, but for the sake of honestly, it equals fat/unattractive/not someone you would normally be into but she’s cool so MAYBE, just maybe you’ll overlook her slight (or rather large actually) physical flaws for the sake of a good sense of humor… . I know I’m no prize physical specimen at this point, and I haven’t been for a long, long time. As much as I would love to think that it doesn’t matter or that it shouldn’t matter, it does. I’m equally guilty of judging books by their covers so I don’t begrudge guys who judge me in the same fashion.
That said, I will never have the body of Marissa Miller and any guy who wants a girl to look like that in real life probably isn’t the guy for me anyway. But I am capable of looking like a better version of me. I am confident that when I start to look better I will start to feel better about myself and that will be reflected in my personality as well. The real question is, will feeling better about how I look make me like other people more?
I kind of hope so. I feel like I could count the number of guys I’ve met in the last six or seven years that I really, truly liked and have actually wished liked me back on a couple of fingers (maybe just one?). And that scares me. I don’t want to be so limited or picky or unreasonable that I end up alone. So I’m actually starting to hope that maybe my inability to really like anyone stems more from a desire to keep people at bay than from there not really being anyone out there who truly strikes my fancy. I know I can’t click with everyone, but the fact that I almost never click with anyone is a little frightening. It would be nice to at least meet a few guys I find interesting, a few guys I’d actually want to give my phone number to or who I could envision sharing sushi with. Right now, I just can’t see it though and for once I hope that it’s not them, it’s me.