Most of the time, being single doesn’t bother me that much.  You probably don’t believe me because on here it seems like I talk about it all.the.time.  But really, it isn’t that big of a deal in general.  I have lots and lots to do and I have only met a couple of people in the last few years that I was genuinely interested in to even want to go out with (not that they panned out, obvs).  So, no big deal, right?

Well, today I was talking to Miss Agnes about something or other and I said that I hadn’t been on a date since 2004. 2004?! Can that possibly be right?! Well, actually, it can.  Miss Agnes assured me that no one goes on dates so really it isn’t like that.  While I appreciate her efforts, the truth is, it is like that.  I haven’t been in a mutually interested semi-romantic relationship of any kind since 2004.  Not even a we only stay in and watch movies together and no one knows we’re actually seeing each other type of relationship.  It may even be possible that no guy has asked for my phone number since then… Okay, that’s not true, but they haven’t asked because they want to be my boo boo (boo boo boo boo <– that’s for you, Miss H!)

When I think about the fact that it has been 6, almost 7 years, since I actually felt like a boy liked me/wanted to date me, well, that feels bad.  That feels like a big deal.  That feels like being sentenced to a lifetime of singleness.  I know it isn’t the end of the world, He’s out there, blah, blah, blah.  For goodness gracious, I’m the one telling my friends to have hope all the time! But when I think about all the years that have passed where I not only haven’t met Him, but I haven’t actually met anyone remotely interested in me who I was also remotely interested in? Well, that is down right scary.

In another recent convo with Miss PoliSci, I was explaining that my high school sweetheart recently blew my phone up at like 3 a.m. and then I realized that we are a mere 6 months shy of hitting the 10 year mark from our first date.  Seriously, we dated 10 years ago and you are still calling me at 3 a.m.? ! (I should prob note that we dated for 2 years and broke up for the 3, so it’s only been about 5 years that I have been relatively over him — or as over as anyone ever is about their first love.)  I honestly don’t know if I should be flattered or discouraged or just plain weirded out.  If you still want to talk to me at 3 a.m. after 10 years, maybe that whole breaking up deal was a bad plan.  Okay, I don’t believe that, but it is really tempting to think, well, you still think about me so maybe since no one else is calling at 3 a.m. I should work on giving you another shot.  But then Miss PoliSci looks at me like I have lost my mind, which clearly I have, and I come back to my senses. Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?

I think it is clear that I’m not much of a “dater.”  I really never was.  I have only had one significant relationship and can only think of two other people who had a major impact on me even though we never seriously dated.  It doesn’t bother me that much that I am not the dating type.  I know that I’m a hypercritical, intellectual snob who will only give someone the time of day after I’ve decided that I do in fact find them incredibly interesting.  I know that about myself.  The thing that is scary is not remembering how to date or flirt or talk to members of the opposite sex in a non-platonic way when He finally walks through that door and actually wants to talk to me.  I have no concept of how that’s going to work out for me . . .

I know that dating is hard for everyone, but when you get literally no practice, it seems that much scarier.  Which makes it really, really easy to retreat into my awkward turtle shell and stay there. By myself.  No one wants to date a turtle shell though.  I want to be ready to come out, but I don’t feel like I am.  I don’t feel confident — not just because of my lack of flirting skills, but also because of my general weirdness and my body.  So maybe if I can figure out how to feel better about those things coming out of the dark safety of the shell will be less hard.

Have you taken a dating hiatus? How did you pull yourself out of it?

PS – Clearly declaring I was going to participate in NaBloPoMo was a sure-fire way to drain me of all blog inspiration for the entire month of November. Epic Fail. Ah, well, there’s always next year…


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One response to “Inept.

  1. Pingback: Facebook = Failure | Quarter Life Confused

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