I like to think that as we age we evolve as individuals and as a generation as a whole. Yeah, it’s a nice thought, right? But seriously, I’m starting to think that we are actually devolving. Our maturity/social intuition was on a steady incline (roughly and hopefully) from age 12 to age 24. And then, weird stuff happened. We peaked too early? We decided we were over behaving in socially appropriate ways? We started freaking out because the dating pool was rapidly shrinking?
I personally think the latter is probably true in combination with the fact that you get to a certain age and the crazy/ridiculous/immature/lame behaviors you engaged in in your younger years are no longer appropriate. Either way, something is seriously wrong with the mid-to-late twenties set when comes to appropriate communication and dating related behaviors. (Yes, that is a broad generalization and no, I do not care.) In an effort to help (in my opinion) the handful of single guys out there (who I am pretty confident don’t actually read this blog), some thoughts from one of the last remaining single girls:
1) Do it yourself. The way into a girl’s pants is not through the ears/facebook wall/email/phone of her nearest and dearest friends. First of all, you are going to annoy and piss off her friends, who could potentially be your greatest allies. No one, I repeat NO ONE, enjoys hearing about how hot her bff is and how much you want to bone her. It’s not that we don’t think our besties are hot, but ultimately we are all self-serving creatures and we want you to think that we are hot. Second, how old are you? If you are over the age of 17, you should be able to try to hit it directly, without the help of intermediaries of any kind. If she doesn’t want you based on your own game, so be it.
2) Pick up the phone. And dial. And say hi, would you like to have dinner with me tonight? Asking a girl out via text is SO lame. And don’t even get me started on email and facebook. I know it seems like possible rejection will hurt less in text form, but really it’s going to be a downer either way. Rip off the band-aid and get it done. BONUS: If you ask a girl out live or on the phone, she has less time to answer, which means she can’t send out a mass email to all of her friends asking for possible ways to let you down easy. If she doesn’t have a good reason to say no immediately, she’ll say yes.
3) Don’t be “best friends” with a girl. No good will come of it. I could probably write a whole post about this but I’ll give you the top two scenarios of why this is a bad idea. One – at some point or another either you and/or the best friendgirl will want to hook up. And you may actually in fact hook up. Recipe for disaster. Someone is going to get their feelings hurt and I’m going to get all sexist and say that it will probably be friendgirl. Two – the girl you are dating will be constantly suspicious of your friendgirl. Datinggirl’s thoughts will go something like this: “Why does he need friendgirl when he has me? I bet she’s totally in love with him. I bet she’d totally try to hook up with him if I wasn’t here. I will never trust them alone together. OMG, she was so nice to me today. She totally wants to do him.” Yes, we really do think like that. I’m not proud of it, but such is life. Jealousy and girl drama will abound and no one wants to participate in that. So either make friendgirl your girlfriend or keep her at a safe distance from datinggirl. They’ll both thank you. (Subconsciously of course.)
4) Don’t be needy. That’s our job. Kidding…sort of. But seriously, there is nothing sexy about a needy guy. I know that we have all become accustomed to instant communication. It is the pitfall of technology and I predict leading to complete social demise. (Alas, another topic for another day.) Any who, if we don’t text you back in under a minute, don’t freak out. Or text us again. Or cry. Sack up. Maybe we’re in a meeting or taking a shower or on the other line with our grandmother. We aren’t ignoring you. Good lord. Be cool. Girls like cool. And really, this whole idea can apply to girls too. Quit over-analyzing why you haven’t received a reply within 36 seconds. You will live.
5) Quit playin’ games. With my heart. Seriously. Here’s the deal, as girls we have come up with an unwritten rubric for determining whether a guy likes us/wants to date us/is going to marry us or not. When a guy does certain thing A we think, yes he likes us. Then in combo with certain things B, C & D, we think he is my boyfriend. E-Q are the road-way to marital bliss. When guys do these things out of order or without thinking about their significance girls get confused, get the wrong idea, and ultimately, get their hearts broken. So be nice. And thoughtful. And communicative. Recognize the fact that you can say “I don’t want to be in a relationship” all day and all night, but if you treat a girl like she’s your girlfriend, she will think she’s your girlfriend. It’s all about your actions, baby. So, do not do any of the following with a girl you are not serious (and by serious I mean, you have envisioned her carrying your future children and it made you happy) about: 1) holidays with either family, 2) family weddings, 3) vacations that require you to take at least 1 day off of work, 4) say I love you, or 5) invite her to participate in long-term commitments – i.e. to join your kickball/softball/bowling league. This list is in no way complete. It seems like this is self-explanatory but based on the things I hear from my friends every day, clearly, guys need the explanatory version.
I think the underlying message is this: Grow up. Be an adult. Be brave enough to talk openly about your intentions, expectations and feelings. Be authentic and genuine but in the way that best represents who you are. And for the love of all things good, put down your iPhone, make eye contact, and have a conversation.
What do you think single guys do that is annoying/irritating/confusing/ridiculous? What about the single ladies? Do we make guys just as crazy?